I don’t intend to preach or make sense of anything today. I don’t know how to and I don’t want to. I just want to vent and I’m praying this is the solution to me not screaming and having a mini-meltdown complete with tears, wails and rocking in a corner. Luckily for me, I’m too stubborn and prideful when I get this way for me to break down without a fight, so I’ve been holding on to the tears on my eyelids since this morning. I had maybe two drop but thats only because I couldn’t hold them in after saying goodbye to 23 when he walked into work.
Why do I feel so defeated, you ask? I’m tired of giving my all and falling short. This is getting old to me. The consistency of having to be at the mercy of people who don’t see my worth fully. The constant fear of not being good enough. The realization was brought into the forefront of my mind initially because I received a standard rejection email this morning from a job I really, truly thought I was going to get. I made the mistake of getting my hopes up and planning ahead only to be rejected and left feeling stupid and exposed. I think a lot of people have been at this point and can relate, but for me, I hadn’t been this excited about a position in a very long time. I wasn’t even that excited when I somehow finessed my way into teaching at my High School (in the department that raised me over 16 years ago), when the position had already been closed and filled last year. Yes, they had actually already hired someone else and I walked in there unannounced and impressed them so much they backtracked and hired me instead
(now that I think about it, I hope this isn’t karma). I pride myself at having the skills, personality, intelligence and forthright to overcome any obstacle and ultimately get anything that I feel I’m qualified for (and even things I’m not). Most times I don’t even have to try hard to get to a point of success, I’ve gotten that good at it, but thats also why this stings so bad. I really gave this particular interview my absolute all. I had 5 interviews with this company in the span of 2 1/2 hours. I took a 1 hour diagnostic separately from their long ass application just to be considered for an interview beforehand. I was walked out of the building by one of the highest ranking Supervisors who was smiling ear to ear and wanted to take more time with me to ask more questions after already telling me she would be in touch with me very soon. How did this happen? How could I possibly have not gotten the job?
The easy answer would be: it wasn’t for me. Yeah, whatever. I get that and I understand that might be a strong possibility, but me being me, I’m going to automatically place the blame on myself. I’m hard on myself, more than anyone actually knows. There is a part of me that is yelling internally, telling me that I didn’t do everything I could have. I messed up somehow. I failed. That’s hard for me. I feel like I’ve failed and am failing at so much in my life already. I’m a overachiever when I’ve deciphered that something is worth my time and effort. I’m completely biased and all in on it.
Its not so much about the job itself. I’m not at a point where I’m afraid I won’t be able to get one. I know how to hustle and I plan pretty efficiently and save for things, I’m also good until the end of August on paychecks so I have a little time. Its more about the constant reminder I’ve been getting in so many areas of my life, career-wise, in my relationships, in my desires, that I’m not enough. That I can’t just have something without constant stress and strain, without draining myself to only fall short of what I wish I had. When I give 200%, I get rejected, left alone, cheated on, jobless, and looked at like I shouldn’t be emotional or hurt about it. I know I’m strong, but I’m strong because if I wasn’t, I would have folded under by now, and God didn’t leave me here after my accident to give up on life. My mom and dad didn’t raise me by example my whole life to be a quitter or to give in easily. I didn’t withstand and overcome things unfathomable, from near death to molestation to not prove my heart is special. My resiliency will forever be my gift, my skill…but behind it, I’m broken up trying to glue myself back together, alone, every time.
I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of complaining and hoping and wishing and sacrificing myself while getting nothing respectfully reciprocal in return. Maybe I’m fooling myself. Maybe I’m being too hopeful and stressing myself out because I’m being unrealistic. Maybe I reached too high for this job. Wanting to make a career move into an industry I’ve always been curious about, going for a salary level I hadn’t been close to. Maybe I won’t ever be in the relationship I really pray for or be with the one guy who I see a future with and actually fits me. Why, because I want to love him so bad? Heaven forbid that you want to make someone happy too much, right? I’m 34 and I haven’t been kissed in almost a year, I haven’t been touched in months, but my loyalty remains unmatched. I haven’t given anyone else the time of day, mentally or physically, so I’m left wondering in these moments, if something really is wrong with me. I don’t think so, but again, I’ve given my all to so many people and situations that don’t seem to care that I’m sacrificing myself because I believe in them. Because I want them so much. When will they want me? Or when will it not be such a fight? Why do we as a society feel like too much of a good thing is bad?
Faith or Illusion. I struggle with what pushes me internally to stay the course on things. To be resilient. To exhaust all possibilities before I give up. On one hand, I think to myself that pressure and patience create diamonds. I believe that it is important to look at all things with a 360 view and not just believe that things are your way or the highway. I feel like its important to assess a situation and people fully before responding a certain way in words or actions. I have a great deal of faith and I let it drive me. On the other hand, I feel like I want things to be so nice and wonderful sometimes that I create illusions of what they should be rather than what they actually are. It affects my decisions, my sacrifices and my discernment. I usually find myself realizing where this has happened, after the fact and when I am destroyed and alone. Today, I don’t want that to be the case.
I don’t know what the lesson is in all of this but whether its faith or illusion, I believe that God has something better for me and I’m being prepared. Whatever is not for me, does not fit me or want me or show me, I have to accept is not meant to be in my life. I have to go with that because I can’t fold even though it hurts. Its a possibility that this lesson may be about letting go of things that aren’t holding on to me the way I’m holding on to them. Or it could be about accepting that all things I think are for me aren’t really worth what I’ve made them out to be. It might be for me to look closer and more clearly past the surface and good that we all choose to see and weigh out more than the bad. It might be about patience (but Lord knows, I’ve shown that more times than I probably should have). In career, in love, in life, whatever the lesson, I walk away from this hopeful. Resilient. I can fall down 7 times but I guarantee you, I will stand up 8.