I try my hardest, using a considerable amount of effort, trying to look at every situation in my life as positively as I can. Getting to this juncture hasn’t been easy nor perfect. I falter at times, but I have honestly gotten to a point to which when I feel my attitude shifting or negativity and doubt fills my head, I’m strong enough to see the bigger picture and pull myself into a more positive state no matter the situation. I force myself not to stay upset or frustrated for too long. I pretend that I am not hurt as badly as I may be. Its a wonderful superpower to have, the appearance of being able to change the climate of your dark thoughts, worries, insecurities and pains to where everyone sees you as this strong person who can handle anything, but the secret is, its not that efficient. I overcome many psychological agitations on my own off of sheer
stubbornness resilience mainly, but I am usually inside myself screaming, fighting, feeling misunderstood, and lonely.
I am irked at how much I suppress and internalize how I’m feeling. I will suffer and sacrifice myself before I come off as someone who is a burden or a catalyst for anything negative. I don’t want to hurt anyone or be disliked. I have accepted that I am a lover, a pleaser, a nurturer, and that I hate feeling alone. This unfortunately has made me an open door for people that want to use me, or take my kindness for weakness. It has been the reason why my love has been taken for granted, overlooked, and put to the side many times. It might even be the reason I feel like I am hardly seen for who I am truly, and it is probably why I often feel misunderstood, causing a myriad of insecurities to surface. It is also the reason for my layers and walls. For my coldness when I am fed up. For the reserve I have in giving my time or energy to people I don’t trust, which is hardly anyone. I struggle with how much of myself I should give to the world every moment of every day. I try to project what I wish I received to others. Its exhausting, and it used to not be like this. I’m tired and I don’t rightfully know if how I am now is something that can be fixed…or even should be.
Today has felt like one big attack on my spirit. My superpower has only been holding up at about 60%. I woke up this morning to my mother calling me on the way to work asking me vehemently what my problem is and why I don’t seem to do anything right. Why I don’t care about things how I used to, why I haven’t done more. Why there is nobody that wants me. Why I am not as good as I should be. Out of nowhere, at a little past 7 o’clock in the morning. That was the first time I had even spoken to my mom, or anyone outside of BK for that matter. I instantly became irritated because I thought that everything has been going okay in my life and I was really getting to a good place. I care about a lot. I have goals that I am slowly accomplishing, someone in my life I actually want a legitimate future with, and confidence and actions that once got lost in the shuffle of depression years ago, have returned. Why was I being attacked like I was so screwed up? Am I? Mom couldn’t answer my question back (“what is wrong with me?”), even though I screamed it through the phone at least 10 times in anger. She just told me she didn’t know and hung up. I straightened my face, took a deep breath and drove to the donut shop. I got donuts for my class and tried to hide my sadness in the joy of my students. That is what I do. I try to stay positive. I try to push forward. I try not to cry or complain. I just keep breathing and try to do and be better, even when I don’t rightfully know if something was ever wrong with me in the first place. I guess subconsciously, I always assume there is.
I spent the better part of my day thinking back at the last few days and wondering what I had done so wrong to cause this negativity upon myself. I have a bad habit of blaming myself for things that happen to me as well. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so hurt about the hand incident on Sunday; maybe I took my feelings too far in wanting too much, or maybe I just wasn’t enough. Maybe I was wrong for being tired and not playing Uno with my daughter and parents, or wanting to hear loud noises on Monday because I had a migraine. I was being selfish, I could have pushed through a game or two. I suppose I was wrong for not being as understanding to clients who owe me when I sent words threatening lawsuits because I just had to pay money I don’t have for taxes on contracts that were never honored. I guess that’s what I get for being nice, so its okay that the bullshit falls on me. Maybe I’m wrong for hating feeling like I’m always on the back burner, waiting for what someone else wants or is ready for, and me, I’m never worthy enough to be sacrificed for, even halfway the way I sacrifice myself for others. Its cool though because maybe if I keep quiet and just wait, I’ll be worthy.
Woe is me. Unfortunately for the part of me that wants to give up sometimes, my weaknesses fuel my stubbornness, and my tenacity fuels my sarcasm. Today hasn’t been great but I am still able to see the bigger pictures through the clouds. I am also able to see the shit that is for the birds. I feel a shift coming in my life because while things are looking up, more work needs to be done in eliminating all of the holds that keep my mind in a place of unworthiness and guilt. I’m starting to see things differently again. Feeling the uncomfortableness needed for more growth. It is no longer okay to make excuses for anyone else actions or behavior that is negative or belittles my worth. It is also not okay to keep hiding, suppressing, and internalizing for the sake of fear, excuses, or complacency. I’ve got a lot to look forward to that I feel God is leading me to, blessing me with and that I am working towards.
I’ve got to do better, even if I feel I’m already good.